Monday, 10 February 2014

Diary of an Honest Naturalista: Week 36

As the only naturalista in my house, everyone knows the accessory most important to me. Because of the way I don’t joke with it, one of my brothers calls it my sacred hood, another one calls it my Cele cap, because I used one white one for a very long time. My mum calls it that-ugly-big-thing-you-put-on-your-hair-and-makes-you-look-like-an-unattractive-housewife.

I call it my satin bonnet, and it saves the day! Once I get home, it’s like magic, I slip my bonnet on, without even thinking. It is always bonnet first, and all other things come later. I cannot count the number of times Dimeji and I are playing around with one of our phones, and we are about to take a selfie. Suddenly he looks at me strangely, and I’m like “What, why are you looking at me like that?”

He says “Madam, won’t you take your Cele cap off your head?”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot.” I touch my head instantly, remove the cap and smile for the selfie.

He is still looking at me strangely, and shakes his head, before returning to the task we were about to embark upon before we were rudely interrupted by the sacred hood.
This incident has occurred no less than five times.

My brothers have also threatened over and over again to make the bonnet disappear. If they are trying to obtain something from me, and I’m not budging, they threaten my bonnet. If they beg me to do a task for them, and I don’t budge, they threaten my bonnet. At any opportunity, they threaten my bonnet.

As a result of this, I always have my eyes on the sacred hood whenever it is not on my head, which is almost never.

One day, I woke up at about 6am, and the bonnet was not on my head. I instantly suspected that the boys were at it. I thought about all the moisture that must have escaped in the course of rubbing my bare hair against my pillow case, and I became angry. Right from my room, I started screaming “where the hell is my bonnet?” on the way to their room.



The altar of my sacred hood had been desecrated. How dare they? Such audacity! When I got to their room, I was still fuming, and it looked like my barging in had just aroused them from sleep.

“See guys, it’s too early in the morning to start all these wahala o. Just give me my bonnet, and let me go.”
They looked confused.

“Abeg, don’t pretend like you are just waking up, or don’t know what I am talking about. Give me my bonnet.”

“Anna, what are you talking about? We didn’t take your bonnet.” The younger one replied.

“So you are telling me the bonnet just flew off my head, abi. Or there is a bonnet-snatching demon in the house.”

“Madam, we didn’t take your bonnet, abeg.” The older and brasher one of them, answered, as both of them dived under their duvet, leaving me to keep ranting.

I looked at him, and felt like drawing him out from under that duvet, and smashing his head on the ground like this.

Hulk Smash
Source
But all I could say was “ehn ehn, so this is how you guys what to play the game, abi. Okay now, let’s see who the winner will be by the time we are done.” I stormed out of their room, and slammed the loudly, so the noise would not allow them sleep easily. If they don’t want me to rest, they don’t deserve to rest too.

I was pissed as I entered my room, plotting how to get my own pound of flesh back. I switched on my light bulb, and saw a purple material near my pillow, smiling at me.

It was then I remembered that in the previous night, I noticed that the elastic band of my bonnet had become a little bit slack. It must have slipped off my head while I was asleep.

Damn this bonnet. I surely need a replacement, not because the elastic is now slack but because if my brothers see this one on me, they will surely kill me!

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10 comments :

  1. Lol...You need to apologise to your brothers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I finally got my satin bonnet during my last trip. But that isnt the problem now, im in ph for another 1month, my hair products (except my shampoo) are in lagos, and Im really sick of the protective braids I have on.
    Help!!!
    Obyadelana@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just get someone to ship your products over.

      Delete
    2. My house is empty. Id have to wait another month before I can be reunited with my hair products.

      Delete
  3. LOL
    Seriously? I was so sure it'd end somewhat like this.
    I just knew it was somewhere in her possessions.

    ReplyDelete
  4. lol. anna. btw is dimeji also real? wummyatme@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lol...I need to start my satin bonnet fetish! serenataphy@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hahaha, as soon as i read " ...woke up at about 6am..." I knew it must have fallen off while you slept haha.My satin head scarf never stay on the head the whole night no matter what style or how tight I do it. I wake up half way at night to tie it again ahahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many people say the same thing. As for me, whether I use a bonnet or scarf, it stays on my head all night long. Maybe sleeping patterns too have a role to play.

      Delete

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